Photo copy GregBeatTakeshi via Google Photosphere
The raft bobbed up near the far shore and the murky green surface settled. My arm still held back my companions from a doomed rescue attempt. I dropped it.
One moment Pareni had been barking orders. The next, they were sucked under. If that was one creature, it was huge.
That left me in charge. Pareni had been a lousy leader anyway. Arrogant, unyielding. He’d ignored our native guide’s warnings, refusing to pray to a “monster.”
The oddly pale, freckled guide chanted, tossing leaves into the water.
“What are you doing?” I hoped his garbled Tuomon was sufficient.
“Pray Exchicta like sacrifice.”
“No! They weren’t…” I slapped his hand.
He pointed underwater. “Friends dead now true. Sacrifice better than only dead. You cross good.”
He was right. Fewer than half of us remained. Not the good half, either. I couldn’t lose any more. I nodded. “Fine. What do I do?”
Word count: 150. Written for this week’s What Pegman Saw challenge. Big thanks as always to Josh and Karen for hosting this fun writing prompt that gets us exploring the whole world using Google Maps! This week, Pegman takes us to Singapore, which is turns out is a very modern place; even its historical buildings are too modern for Eneana. However, they have some absolutely gorgeous lush natural views too (if you ignore the perfectly manicured parkland just out of camera range). Click on the link above to see what images other writers found and to read the stories they wrote about this area. And maybe you’ll be inspired to add your own — everyone’s welcome!
Of the hundred-plus words from the first draft I had to cut to get to down to 150, the ones I most regret was where the narrator acknowledged that he was desperately glad the local guide knew any Tuomon at all — garbled as it may be — because he knew nothing of the local language and would otherwise be totally lost. (You could even say, “up monster creek without a paddle”, lol!) I hope it doesn’t come across as though I’m making fun of the guide: we all sound like this when trying to speak another language, at least at first. I give super props to folks who are brave enough to risk their garbled English on me, because it’s usually 100 times better than my smattering of Spanish, German, Italian, etc.
And yes, the title is meant to evoke the term “command decisions” but with a twist, and some alliteration thrown in as well (because you know how I like that).
Your commander might have been left with the ‘not good half’ of his team, but he at least seems like a steady hand. Some of them may get out of this alive yet! I liked the sound of your MC – down to earth, a good judge of men, compassionate. You give us a whiff of the environment and the culture in just a few words too, which is fantastic. Great stuff, Joy
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Thanks for the great comment, Lynn; I think you described him even better than I did. It makes me wonder about the social interactions between him and Pareni before this happened, and whether he’s actually more comfortable now, being in charge of what’s probably a doomed mission, than he was having to take orders from someone he didn’t respect.
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Sounds like Pareni was job – a shame your narrator wasn’t in the job from the start, though he might have ended up eaten by the beast instead!
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Hard to know; he’s benefiting from hindsight at this point, after all. Never know when the locals’ “monster” is real or not … until you do!
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And then it’s too late! 🙂
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Indeed! Better safe than sorry. Which is how Eneana ends up riddled with tons of baseless superstitions and rituals and legends.
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Better a sacrifice than merely dead. I like that. Though I was part-expecting the Merlion to emerge from the waves 🙂
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Ha ha, what a great example of unintentional symbolism there, since I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as a Merlion before you mentioned it, much less that it’s a sea creature and a symbol of Singapore. You have *clearly* done more research on this than I had, and I thank you for it! That’s not at all what I was imagining for this water monster, but you know… they didn’t get a very good look, given the murkiness of the water, so who knows?
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Yep. Well, that’s what I THOUGHT I saw 🙂
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Maybe research makes the eyes sharper after all!
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With all the limitation you are under, you still created a very strong start here. This is one that I would love to know what happens next! Love your lines:
‘Fewer than half of us remained. Not the good half, either. I couldn’t lose any more.”
Love what’s implied here. Someone thrust into a leadership position; responsible to pound this group from soft iron into steel. He needs them all, even though they are not who he wished for…
Again, so much is said here. Great job!
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Thanks, Louis! I’m so glad to hear that all of that came across the way I meant it to, that’s a relief. I would love to know what happens next too, except then I’d have to decide why they have to cross this body of water, and what important mission they’re on, and who else is in the party, and a whole bunch of other details that I’ve conveniently ignored up until now! 🙂
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Necessary sacrifice. Well done.
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Seems like the former commander unnecessarily sacrificed himself by being an idiot, but that does happen!
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I like the alliteration and I do love when folks attempt to speak other languages – and like how you incorporated this – and from the notes section – “up monster creek without a paddle”
hahah
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He he he, I liked that little joke about the creek and I’m glad you did too. Thanks!
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🙂
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Better one than the whole lot… ‘sides, he wasn’t that good of a leader anyway 😉 Love the justification…
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Thanks Dale! And yeah, if the block-headed leader already got himself eaten by the monster, might as well make the best of it!
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Waste not, want not 😁
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Indeed!
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This is great. Love the pragmatic nature of your main character: “Fewer than half of us remained. Not the good half, either.” And the posthumous sacrifice adds another sly touch of dark humor.
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Thanks Karen! Yeah, he prefers to take reality as it comes and do what he has to with it. I enjoyed playing with that voice.
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