Rawson Lake, Alberta, Canada © Alec, Google Maps
Takani gazed across Mirror Lake. Finally, the Temple of Hanakai. He brushed his clothes, stood regally.
Shame the others can’t see me now.
His loyal retainers, gone. Fighting monsters so Takani could escape. Lost–literally–in that cave maze. Then Kainta, oafish pack-boy, twisting his ankle. Takani glanced back. Kainta might still catch up, with his gear.
A woman strode upon the smooth lake, pausing several paces away.
“If you are pure-hearted, come.”
Takani tested one toe, gingerly stepped onto the surface.
See? Just have to believe in myself.
Beneath him, green water sparkled clear and deep.
She stopped halfway there. “Where are your friends?”
Friends? They were barely nobles. “They fell, honoring the mission.”
“Honoring you.”
What can she know?
“You believe yourself worthy of Hanakai’s blessing?”
“I am.”
“You are not.”
The surface melted. Takani’s protests became screams, dissolved to silence.
The woman turned, seeking Kainta, the pure-hearted.
Word count: 150. Written for this week’s What Pegman Saw challenge, which takes us to a new interesting spot on the planet each week, courtesy of Google maps. Click on the link to see the other stories written for this prompt, and what angles or sights the other writers chose for their photo. Or write your own story — everyone’s welcome!
Tales from Eneana 
Surprised he made it that far.
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Among the things I couldn’t squeeze into 150 words: she already knew the answer and was “helping” him get that far. She gave him two chances to bow out, but he chose chutzpah and pride instead.
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Joy – this is why I like comments – sometimes it can help 100 words come even more alive – but even without the extras – I liked your piece and could follow so well
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That’s great to hear – and kind of you to say, thank you!
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Love the descriptor “Oafish pack-boy.” Vivid stuff there.
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Thanks, Josh. It was a quick way to show his disdain for his loyal helpers.
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Great inspiration from the prompt! Seeing the arrogant get their comeuppance is always satisfying!
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Thank you Penny– and I agree that it’s very satisfying. Take that!
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I was just waiting for her to let him go… and, she did give him chances to right his wrongs…
Loved this, Joy.
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Thanks Dale – glad you caught that she gave him a shot to back out, or express doubt, and he surged ahead anyway.
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Oh yes. Got exactly what he deserved…
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If I may say so, a story with depth … which I thoroughly enjoyed.
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Of course you may say so, and I thank you kindly for it! Glad you enjoyed it, Crispina.
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A satisfying tale. Love how both the ‘oafish pack boy’ and the disdainful Takini get what they deserve!
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Thanks Karen! Yeah, I think the priestess is going to have a better opinion of the pack-boy, given her very different criteria.
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Pride is one of the falls of man…. so well depicted here! Great writing!
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Thank you! And yes, you’ve hit it on the head: he was literally drowned by his own hubris.
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A fitting end to a haughty, self-centred and heartless person! Vividly descriptive, Joy, and I like the contrast between Takani and Kainta at the end.
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Thank you Millie, glad you thought so! And I liked that contrast too — I was wishing I’d had more words to draw it out more, but then, I *always* want more words!
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I know that feeling too well. But what you wrote here worked on its own and got the main points across. Glad to hear you’re still looking to publish some of your longer stories. I imagine they’re really good!
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So far I haven’t found any publishers who agree, but then, I haven’t sent them out much yet. What I hear from people who are much better at this than I am is that you need a great system for sending them back out as soon as they get rejected (which they will be, many times). I’m still working on that system.
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Pride goeth before the…sploosh! Enjoyed the mythic, larger-than -life quality of the first part, and the surprise at the end, as the meek inherited the earth. Would love to know more about the pure- hearted/ oafish pack boy.
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Thank you so much, and I love the sound effect! I was thinking that I’d like to know more about this pack-boy too. Maybe another story sometime, hmm… 😉
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He needs to be more self knowing – anyone could tell he wasn’t worthy! Love your set up, hearing his inner thoughts, letting us in on his base nature before he realises what an idiot he is. Great story Joy
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Yes, he was bluffing a little too much there, I agree! Sometimes just “believing in yourself” is not sufficient.
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Very true – you do have to have some substance to back up your self belief!
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Indeed! It reminds me that every villain is the hero of their own story, believing in themselves and their mission. But this one, believing that he can bluff being good-hearted? That’s just deluded.
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Lovely flowing prose, Joy, with barely a ripple until the stormy end. I was relieved to find the humble-hearted pack boy was the chosen one.
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Thank you for the kind words, Kelvin — I’m glad you enjoyed it! Some of the other loyal retainers may also have been worthy of the god’s blessing, but Kainta is the only one who survived the task of helping the proud lord on his mission of self-aggrandizement. The lord didn’t realize that all those times he could have tried to save his friends was part of the test that life constantly offers to prove himself worthy…
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A test we live daily (weekly) here – making our offerings then supporting and encouraging one another…
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I’m not even sure he was bluffing, he was so full of himself that I think he took the sacrifice of others on his behalf for granted. A thoroughly satisfying piece, Joy, great writing. If only all these righteous clerics weren’t always forgetting to tell about the sacrifices the various gods take for granted…
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Thanks — I’m glad you found it satisfying! Yes, he really was quite overconfident and arrogant; I’m glad you caught that he took the others’ sacrifice for granted; in the longer version I think it was more clear that he didn’t even lift a finger to help or to try to save them, making it even worse. .
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