Rodents of Unusual Size

my-new-guinea-pig-jay-reed-flickr

Photo credit: Jay Reed



The head advisor wiped his brow for the fifth time.  Now that the jayanta had returned from his journey, he would have to be told about… the situation.

He tried delaying by asking more about the jayanta’s trip.  The jayanta was not swayed.

“Come out with it. What happened while I was gone?”

“Ah, your perception is as fine as ever, my lord.  Something did happen, yes.  It seems that the city has been invaded — er, infested — by, well, mini-pigs.”

“Is that all?” The jayanta laughed.  “We’ve dealt with rat infestations before.  Surely you can handle some mini-pigs.”

“That’s just it, sir.  These particular rodents are, shall we say, an unusual size.  That is to say, not ‘mini’ anymore.”

The first junior advisor piped up.  “Not compared to pigs, at least.”

The second junior advisor clarified.  “Compared to bears, maybe.  We should call them mini-bears.”

The first junior advisor snickered. “Oh that’s good.  Very clever.  They do look like little bears, don’t they?”

“Yes, exactly!  I thought it–”

A glare from the head advisor ended the junior advisors’ chatter.  He turned back to the jayanta.  “They are quite large, my lord.  At the rate they’re eating, we’ll have no vegetables at all by winter.  Especially given how fast they’re multiplying.”

The first junior advisor nodded gravely.  “That’s all they seem to do, my lord.  Eat and… you know.  Mate.”

The jayanta leaned forward.  “You’re telling me they’re devouring all our crops and you haven’t done anything about it?”

The head advisor stepped back.  The jayanta was usually a reasonable man, but the only thing he liked more than a cup of ale was a big plate of vegetables.  “For a while we were able to keep things under control with lilacs, of all things.  Turns out that they calm the mini-pigs into an almost trance state, producing a brief pause in the eating and mating activities.”

The first junior advisor shook his head.  “But now we’re almost out of lilacs.”

The second junior advisor shook his head at the same exact pace, like they were matching bards-dolls.  “The mini-pigs eat the lilacs faster than we can grow them.”

“They are remarkably eager to eat more.”

“Insistent, even.”

“Violently so, I would say.  And they have these nasty, big, pointy teeth…”  The junior advisor positioned two fingers in front of his mouth to demonstrate.  Spotting the head advisor’s expression, he trailed off and tucked his hands under his thighs.

The jayanta frowned.  “Is that honestly all you’ve tried?  Did whatever weird magic that made them so large also make them immune to sharp objects?”

The head advisor flinched.  “In a manner of speaking, it has, my lord.  You see, in your absence, her majesty the bharat issued an order of protection for them ” He wiped his brow again.  “Her highness thinks they’re cute.”

The jayanta’s frown deepened.  “Oh, dear.”

The head advisor shifted from one foot to another. “Yes, exactly, my lord.  To make it worse, she has taken several on as pets.  She dresses them in human clothes and teaches them tricks.  It’s… well, I’m afraid it’s become quite a popular fashion.”

“Ah.  That is indeed a problem.  I expect you have a solution?”

The advisor shifted back to the original foot.  “We have been discussing options, my lord.  If we could arrange for the bharat to catch her giant mini-pigs doing something she abhorred, perhaps she would change her mind about how cute they are.  Something…”  He felt his face flush.  “Something sinful.”

“Something disgusting.”  The first junior advisor looked sickened just thinking about it.

“Something utterly grotesque.”  The second junior advisor grinned, nodding enthusiastically.

The jayanta pressed for more.  “You said all they do is eat and mate.  What did you have in mind?”

“Well, er, the latter, my lord.”  The head advisor couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud in front of everyone, so he whispered in the jayanta’s ear.

After the jayanta stopped laughing, they selected a victim to “volunteer” for the demonstration, and planned the supposed accidental encounter for as soon as possible.

Much to the head advisor’s surprise, the plan worked.

That night, the head advisor sat to one side of the jayanta at the high table, the bharat on the jayanta’s other side.  The crowd before them merrily celebrated the welcome-home festivities.  When the first meat course came, the head advisor watched the royal couple carefully.  The bharat grimaced and pushed the plate away, untouched.  The jayanta stabbed a thick piece with his knife, bit in, and immediately smiled.  Even before he’d finished chewing, he proclaimed his positive review.

“Mm, that’s good!”  He pounded his heavy cup on the table for emphasis.  “But we need a better word for it than giant mini-pig.  Something less cumbersome and more appetizing.”

The second junior advisor leaned forward, poking his head around the first junior advisor.  “We’ve been calling them R.O.U.S., my lord.”

The head advisor reached back around to slap the second junior advisor, but the jayanta didn’t seem to notice.

“Rous?  I like that.  What does it mean?”

The head advisor coughed.  “It’s, mm, from Annar, my lord.”  Then he mumbled a bit, being unable to come up with a convincing lie.  The jayanta had stopped listening at the first mention of the ancient language anyway.

The jayanta, always looking for an excuse to do this, banged his cup on the table again.  “It’s settled, then.  Rous for everyone!”  The assembled crowd, having no idea what rous was, cheered mightily anyway, figuring that even if it wasn’t that tasty, at least there sounded like there was plenty of it.

Rous in cream sauce with candied lilac became such a delicacy in the region that even the bharat relented and tried it, declaring it acceptable as she took her third portion.  In fact, the dish was so popular that in no time, they had eaten up all of the giant mini-pigs they could find.  They waited for more to appear, from wherever they had come from initially, but none ever did.

And that’s how a small port city in southern Layor became known for their traditional dish of rous with lilacs.  But be warned, it is considered exceedingly rude to point out that the rous they serve these days are rodents of a perfectly reasonable size.



Written for last week’s Sunday Sin/Fun challenge from Jane Dougherty Writes.  Yes, it took me a whole week to finish writing this, in part because I kept questioning whether I should do it at all.   But the image she posted (see below) was just so bizarre… I couldn’t resist the challenge.  Thanks Jane!

antek_wajda_najwyzsza_pewnosc_2010

Painting by Antek Wajda



 

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Rodents of Unusual Size

      • I was more doubting whether anyone would actually get the joke… Also I was just talking to a writer friend about how I’m spending too much time on flash fiction and not enough on writing short stories to send out for publication, and here I am, next thing, spending time writing a story much longer than my usual flash fiction and posting it on my blog.

        But I couldn’t help it, the prompt was too funny to pass up!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I’m definitely going to keep writing flash fiction. The conflict is between what I post on my blog (which the majority of places won’t accept for publication) and what I hold back on and hope to publish.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Ha! I love that scene in Princess Bride, in the forest with Wesleyand Buttercup and the ROUSs – always loved that film, though confess I haven’t read the book.
    A very good take on the prompt, Joy, fits perfectly with the painting and I love the idea of them having to tiptoe around the feelings of the bharat – how scary is this woman? Nothing like a little guinea pig porn ro put you off your dinner.
    I feel for you with the call of blog flash vs writing ‘proper’ stories. Just going to drag myself away from the internet now. Honest. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad you got the reference — I tried to make the story as close to the painting as I could and still sound believable (well, in-a-magical-world type believable). I haven’t read the book either (bad me!) but I’ve watched the movie enough times that maybe that makes up for it? Hm.

      My idea wasn’t that the bharat was scary, per se, but she is the jayanta’s wife, and even the ruler of a country wants to reduce his marital discord and keep his spouse happy.

      Thanks so much for your comment! And yeah, here I am thinking about another story for another flash prompt. Hm…..

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve been quite disciplined today (being one of my writing days) I managed to finish off two blog posts and write 1,700 words on the WIP! Pretty good going for me. Managed to stay away from Word Press (for most of the day!) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Er…. I exercised, got milk at the store, and actually got to work on time. That was my morning, gone. I did *think* about a flash fiction piece; now “all” I have to do is write it up. 😉

        Like

  2. I have to admit the title had me thinking of those initial quests in Dungeons & Dragons where you go into the sewer and slaughter rats, just because….well rats. I like how you kind of mention that in the beginning then take your story in a whole different direction. Very fun!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Mind if I reblog? I not sure what you think, with this set up you have on your blog and the talk of publishing. You know there are lots of places that will take stories previously posted to your blog. No sure how reblogging affects that thought.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Feel free to reblog – I encourage it! Yes, some places don’t mind if the story is already on your blog, but so many do that I just assume anything I post, I’m not trying to publish.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s